The Walking Wounded - May They Eat And Viddy Well

SEX

Now I lay me down to sleep
I'm getting old, my bones are weak
If I should wake before my alarm
It would be just like any other day.
Fuckfuckfuck.

I assume the discussion of one's health issues and feeling highly unsexy would be the antithesis of 'Sex'. But hey, 'tis my blog and I can do what I want. Neener neener neener.

I have one famous injury, an injury of legend: my dislocated right shoulder. Long story short, I took an unfortunate tumble down the front steps of the Fairmont Hotel in San Francisco at my Senior Ball, and in the process of landing on the sidewalk my right shoulder went PFPFPFPPPBBBBBT and popped out of joint. It was pain pain pain, the worst pain I've ever experienced. Unless I experience childbirth or take a bullet, I assume (God willing) it will be the worst pain I shall ever feel. But hey, at least I did it all in a $400 dress, full makeup & hair and a killer pair of heels. Literally. They were killers. Little bastards didn't help me recover one bit. But I forgive them. Cuz they were sexy, and it wasn't their fault they were strapped to the feets of an idiot.

I have two other injuries/issues of lesser note but more frequent torment. The first and more disturbing would be my heart arrhythmia. It was diagnosed around 3 years ago, and has to proven to be of no genuine issue, more of an oddity (which completely runs in my family - if someone ever had a malady that baffled the professionals, they're probably on my family tree). Three Aprils ago I was a few days away from hitting Disneyland with The Real Katy Perry and I erupted with a sore throat that wanted to level me. What timing, HOW could this be happening! I'd never experienced strep throat before (or since - I don't know how I've managed to dodge that bullet for 31 years), but knowing it's highly contagious and the pain level I was in, I suspected that was it. My regular doctor couldn't see me on short notice, so I hightailed it to Urgent Care instead, totally thrilled at the idea of paying way too much for antibiotics. The doc checked me out, said my throat did look a little red but there was no sign of infection. WTF. I just paid $50 to be told I was overreacting. But then he listened to my heart and got That Look on his face. Moments later I was attached to an EKG machine, and being told to relax. Yeah right. He said my heartbeat was irregular, like WACKY irregular, and I needed to get in to be diagnosed by a cardiologist. Ok....I was levelheaded, he didn't say my heart was gonna explode momentarily so no need to freak out just yet. Can it wait a couple weeks, I'm getting ready to go on vacation - of course, just get the appointment set up as soon as is reasonable for your schedule. And a few weeks later I was fitted with a holter monitor, a really big thing that every doctor describes as "small" or "hardly noticeable" that hangs around your chest by a strap and monitors your heartbeat for generally 24 hours via about 9000 electrodes on your chest. Since I had to go a full work day wearing this thing and wasn't much interested in being asked why I had turned into a lab rat, it posed quite the wardrobe challenge to disguise but I pulled it off.

I went back soon after to hear the doctor's take on my heartbeat - and apparently my heartbeat is comical. In general with a holter, you see let's say 80% normal heartbeat, that normal little blip you see on heart monitors in the movies, but every once in a while you see a wacky blip. The heart goes a little wonky. Me, I took that shit and flipped it. My doctor had a hard time finding a NORMAL heartbeat rhythm buried in my festival of wonky irregular rhythm. It was like nothing he had ever seen. But there was an odd comfort in that, he said....because with my heartbeat THAT consistently wack, then abnormal was actually my normal. Without being physically aware of the oddity of the beat, and having none of the side effects that normally accompany a heart issue, I was told I was free to go! The standard advice followed - lose some poundage, try to lay off the caffeine, get more exercise, all of which would be advice worth taking even if my ticker was showroom new. And so it continues. I visit the cardiologist every 6 months, my heart arrhythmia makes occasional guest appearances, but the verdict is - if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Then there's my back, which is being a bitch as we speak and is what inspired this portion of the old blog ride. My back first went weird about 7 years ago. Just like with my shoulder dislocations (people always want to know if I jacked up my shoulder having acrobatic sex or swinging from vines in the jungle - and the answer is no. The last time I did it, I was turning off my alarm clock one Friday morning.), I did nothing special to invite this problem in. I was at my dad and stepmom's house, and went to sit down on their sofa presumably to watch some tube. I didn't sit down weird, I didn't go ass over teakettle. I simply sat down in normal human fashion. And it was like I had sat down on a spear that had buried itself in my spinal column. Hot burning agony. Blinking hurt. Searing hot pain shooting down my lower leg, across my tush and down into rivulets in my leg. Of course that's nerve damage, even in delirious pain that was obvious. And there's only one nerve system that follows that pathway - the fucking sciatic nerve. With one innocent movement, I had Sciatica, a plague of the elderly and/or chubby. That first flare-up was annihilating, it took around a week before I was able to walk. There was no position that was comfortable, no sitting or standing or lying offered relief, and going anywhere usually involved falling on the floor first (oh, the dignity of it), recovering from that pain for a few minutes, then managing some sort of crawl from the sofa to the bathroom or bed, and vice versa. It's never hit me quite as bad since, but moments like now I was just have an intense soreness, a lower back ACHE that makes me walk like I have a load in my pants and makes me feel highly unsexy. No amount of lipstick can make one recover from that.

But I think about that disease that causes EPIC premature aging, I think it's called Progeria or something to that effect. Extremely rare luckily, but the babies who sadly have the luck to be born with it are so old before their time. Sweet 10-year-old boys and girls, with young high pitched voices and bright smiles, trapped inside the body of a 60-year old if not older. Stricken with arthritis, covered in age spots, all their hair has fallen out long ago. And any other disease that eliminates the ability to live a normal life - the true struggle with cancer, or Parkinsons, or hemophilia, or physical abnormalities like missing fingers or limbs, or burn scars. I think about the friend with Celiac's disease and see what a huge impact it had on her life, on her ability to make simple choices while out living her life. I think about the friend who had gastric bypass surgery, who I was out with one day and she grabbed lunch and unfortunately ate a few bites too much and it caused her to have an accident because her body simply COULD NOT hold even one extra bite of food anymore. I think about my friend who was a normal healthy and sexual-as-hell woman, she simply had a few problems associated with her monthly visitor, and so she was put on birth control to regulate the problem, and her body went insane - she gained tons of weight, her chest more than tripled in size, and her sex drive vanished truly without a trace. I think about my friend who has been diagnosed with a terminal disease and who thus far has sailed through with flying colors.

The old cliche goes "At least you have your health!", and it's very very true. Even small problems, which seem daunting in the moment, are rarely more than bumps in the road. We'll all crash headlong into walls that will slow us down in this life, but if the problem is something we can overcome or at least learn to live with, then we need to remember how lucky we are to have a shot at being on this earth at least one more day.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I fucking well hope so.



FOOD

I have a genius plan. At least I think it's a genius plan. What's one of the most aesthetically stunning foods out there? Sushi. Simple, but artfully presented - and simple is always best. One single bite, for the most part. An amuse bouche of total fresh ingredient harmony. So why not take that idea, the roll concept (essentially a Japanese sandwich) and play with it a little?

Here's what I propose: sushi for breakfast. Just shut up and hear me out. We take the basic concept of a California roll and expand on it. To wit, the California roll is a crab and mayo mixture, paired with avocado, cucumber and sometimes carrot, wrapped with seaweed and sweet sushi rice, and sometimes coated with sesame seeds or tobiko (fish eggs). So I want to take that basic structure and recreate it with breakfast foods. Watch how I explain them like I'm pitching them for a restaurant menu. :)

Classic Roll: a chunk of egg white nestled with ham or bacon or sausage, or perhaps small pieces of all three. Wrapped around it would be a medium-thickness pancake, lightly dipped in maple syrup and either toothpicked together or better yet tied off beautifully with a softened vanilla bean. One gorgeous breakfasty bite. 4 to 6 of those arranged artfully on a plate with a glass of juice or a coffee, maybe garnished with some blueberries or sliced strawberries. Another variation would be to wrap the egg and meat with french toast. It probably doesn't have the stability of a pancake, but it would bring a different flavor profile and would also pair better with the vanilla bean tie. You'd get enhanced eggyness, plus vanilla and cinnamon notes. It could even be better that way. That could be called a French Roll.

Denver Roll: Julienned ham, bell peppers and onions wrapped up a buttery scrambled egg wrap, topped with cheddar probably needing to be quickly melted in a broiler. Or better yet, a flat omelet-like scramble with cheddar or montery jack melted on top, then sliced and wrapped, letting the cheese be a sort of adhesive. This one is likely to be very messy or flimsy, so should be served with toast points, VERY lightly buttered.

Egg Roll: Get it? They say if one can't perfectly cook an egg, they have no business in a kitchen. So pair up multiple preparations of egg into one big eggstravagnza! Hard boiled egg (either white or yolk or both) wrapped in a scrambled egg pancake, resting on top of a soft boiled egg. This one would be eaten with a fork in presumably two or three bites. You use the fork to slice the roll down the middle, dividing the bites and most importantly piercing the soft-boiled egg yolk so that the hot yolk spills onto the plate to make a sauce. Also would be good with toast points, especially sourdough - a bread with a strong flavor of its own to cut the extreme of the eggyness.

Rancheros Roll: Julienned tomato, onion and bell pepper (and perhaps one miniscule sliver of jalapeno), wrapped in lightly fried tortilla, and wrapped again with cooked egg white, then drizzled with HOT cooked yolk. The only trouble with this one is it would have to served and eaten very quickly so that the yolk didn't cool off at an unpleasant rate. Could also be dusted with finely chopped cilantro.

Blintz/Crepe Roll: Fresh blintz or crepe wrapped around sweet cheese mixed with chopped fruit, probably strawberries, blueberries, peaches or apples. Topped with whipped cream and sprinkled with powdered sugar.

Hollandaise Roll: Served atop a biscuit or English muffin sliced in half. Canadian bacon wrapped around a soft boiled or poached egg, whichever held up better, and lightly topped with hollandaise sauce, garnished with orange slices and dill.

Can you think of any more, or any variations?


CINEMA

I wonder sometimes why movies became My Thing. Everyone has their Thing - something that they know everything about because they love it, something where the learning and appreciation is effortless and the consumption is pure pleasure. And movies became my thing pretty damn early on. I have wonderful memories of my dad coming home with two rented VHS movies in hand, one for him and my mom, and one for me. My dad brought me The Princess Bride, The Secret of Nimh, The Last Unicorn, and sometimes the old Disney cartoons, and even the occasional Betty Boop or Gumby & Pokey. Once in a while together we would watch The Three Stooges and The Little Rascals. And sometimes I was invited to join them for the feature, and I saw greats like Aliens and Amadeus. My dad joked once that I was raised on MTV and Star Wars, and I think he was quite accurate in naming those two things as genuinely formative influences for me. Movies and music, what else is there really.

I love all the memories I have associated with the movies, or the statistics of the movies that became part of my life. Such as:

*The first movie I was ever first in line for on opening night was Independence Day, which if you recall was of course slated to open on July 4th but for some reason (probably to rack up a bigger opening weekend gross) was pushed up to July 3rd.

*I remember asking my mom what movie she had seen the most in the theater, and it was West Side Story, 5 glorious times. And with that, she gave me a goal. I realized that goal with Mortal Kombat, not the most dignified of successors but one that still had a lot of personal greatness for me. I rose to the challenge again with Titanic. I did see it a mere 5 times in the theater, while Alicia saw it 7 times and Katy saw it 11 times. And a new goal was born. That goal was realized and later surpassed by The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. 18 times, kids. That's over two days of my life simply spent viewing that movie in the theater (I've watched it at least 10 times at home on DVD).

*The movie I watched the most in one day is Stand By Me, at the height of my River Phoenix obsession, I watched it 8 times start to finish in one day...which indeed means I watched it all damn day. The movie I have watched the most total I can't state for sure, but I can guess with confidence that it is Terminator 2: Judgment Day. I'd put it around 70 times. I joined that movie's fan club. I had posters of The (future) Governator in sunglasses and a leather jacket on a motorcycle on my teenage bedroom walls. I had t-shirts. I bought the annotated fully illustrated screenplay. And it's the movie I've bought the most times, at a current total of 4. Twice on VHS, once on DVD, and most recently a copy for my iPod.

*The most movies I've seen in the theater in one day is 4, on the glorious day when Katy and I partook of the Afterdark Horrorfest on its lone visit to the Pleasant Hill theater. In my desire to see all 8 of the movies in the festival in as short a timespan as possible, Katy created an Excel spreadsheet showing all the times on all the days, and we did find a way to cram four in one Saturday. We watched Borderland, The Deaths of Ian Stone, and two other inferior ones I can't even remember the name of.

*I've rated over 3000 movies on Netflix, which means I've given them my personal one-to-five star rating. Here's how my rating system breaks down:

-A one star movie fails The 30 Minute Test. The 30 Minute Test is something I devised one day after realizing that more than once I had wasted 90+ minutes of my life slogging my way through a movie that was a genuine piece of crap. Doesn't my life have more value than that? I have the right to choose and control my fate, dammit. And here's the thing, straight outta my film schooling: The first 23 to 31 minutes of a movie, the first act, are devoted to what is called Establishment of Status Quo. That is, we meet the main characters, we learn about who they are, how they live their lives, what's important to them in the world they live in. And somewhere between minute 23 and 31, something will happen: Disruption of Status Quo, aka Plot Point 1. Their motivation arrives, something changes that spurs on the action, the problem the hero must solve. Basically the plot shows up. So if by that point, I still don't give a shit what happens to these people, or the issue they're tackling has me checking my watch or checking the exits, I turn the movie off. Because I have the power! What Fatboy Slim and others call The Weapon Of Choice. Wield it!!

-A two star movie I made it all the way through, but sadly at the end was disappointed. Maybe it was a good idea poorly executed. Maybe it was dull in spots. Maybe the writing was pedantic or expository. Maybe the characters were underdeveloped. Maybe they didn't earn their ending. Maybe it was just all bullshit. Who knows - the point is, it didn't work for me, and I shant be revisiting.

-A three star movie is the beginning of happiness. I enjoyed this movie. As the credits rolled, I felt satisfied. I didn't want my 2 hours or $10 back. Good solid quality entertainment. Could be revisited if I come across it in the $5 bin at Target, and would be a feasible option if I'm flipping through channels in a hotel room and see that this movie is on. It will do just fine. This is definitely my most common rating.

-A four star movie - now we're talking! This was a damn good movie, I had a blast! Maybe it was a fresh spin on a familiar formula, maybe it was a very pleasant surprise. Maybe I laughed my ass off, maybe I cried because I related to these characters so much, maybe the blood and guts genuinely made me jump. What is most likely the case, and there is personally no higher praise I think I can offer a movie, is that I was just told a very good story. I will most likely add this one to my home collection, but will probably wait it out a few months to give the DVD price a chance to drop a little. Time and money VERY well spent.

-A five star movie is rare. This is a diamond in the rough, this was a genuinely transporting experience. I think back to the way I felt when I was a kid when every moment felt perfect and simple and beautiful. This is my new cinematic best friend. I've never seen anything like this movie, and hopefully never will again. I guarantee this movie touched something in my soul. It will definitely be added to my home collection as soon as is humanly possible no matter the cost, and I will likely be forcing friends to watch it with me.

An important distinction in my five star rating, and an argument I frequently get into: there is a difference between 'A Movie You Hated' and 'A Bad Movie', and adversely 'A Movie You Loved' and 'A Good Movie'. To classify a movie as simply good or bad to me is the more sophisticated opinion if handed out thoughtfully and not flimsily. I don't think this qualification should be handed out as anything more than a sum of a movie's parts. A Good Movie told a strong story, it was well written, it was original even if familiar. It was perfectly cast. Sound, lighting and score were used to perfection to create the mood, the film's world. The money was clearly well spent. The camerawork was strong and purposeful, every pan and zoom became part of the emotional journey. This movie was technically great across the board, these filmmakers are top class. Having said that, movies like this frequently win the Best Picture Oscar. And these movies are frequently not publically favored. It's a rare moment when a movie The People clearly connected with gains critical recognition. Not that it should necessarily be relevant, let the grosses and People's Choice Awards speak for themselves. But a movie you love is something special. It isn't likely to be an Oscar-worthy epic. It more likely was just a damn good time, no matter the emotional arc of the film, you had a seriously good time watching it. It spoke to something inside you. You will never forget it, and you will watch it again and again like a visit with a dear friend. And so of course, A Bad Movie is clearly made without love. It has no soul. It likely exists solely to make money, not because someone had a great story to tell. But A Movie You Hated - man, that crap sucked. How could people think this was great? How could THAT have won Best Picture? Were we at the same movie?? Clearly that movie just wasn't your cup of tea. But I do not think one's personal opinion is a qualifcation of a film's greatness, because a movie is far too personal an experience. The next time you have yourself a CineRant, contemplate that. Make your opinions sophisticated and thoughtful, not swift or vapid.

Thus concludeth the Longest Blog Entry Ever. Thank you, New Job, for not making me work and giving me the free time to do this. I suppose this makes me a professional writer - by composing this blog at work, I officially just got paid to write. Awesome. I'm living the dream. :)